Only God Forgives

2013 at the Movies: biggest disappointments

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THE RAMBLER

I don’t have a Worst Ten Movie list because, unlike professional critics, I don’t have to see every movie. I did see over 190 first-run movies this year, but I try REALLY, REALLY HARD to avoid the bad movies. So my worst movie going experience is usually either 1) on an airline flight when I see a movie that I normally wouldn’t; 2) a hyped art film that disastrously falls on its face and/or really pisses me off (The White Ribbon); or 3) something I find on cable TV while channel surfing (Paul Blart: Mall Cop). But usually, the culprit finds its way aboard a long airline flight. Not this year.

In the purely disappointing category, I was underwhelmed by the Coen Brothers’ Inside Llewyn Davis, Pedro Almodovar’s I’m So Excited and The World’s End with Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. I was expecting much more from those filmmakers.

Of course, Only God Forgives (from the director and star of Drive, which I really liked) was a red-hot mess – but I had caught wind of the buzz before I saw it, so I really wasn’t surprised.  Same with The Great Gatsby, which I could tell was a stinker from the trailer.  And I did walk out of the French film Rich Is the Wolf; it’s about a wife who watches hours of video of her husband to figure how and why he went missing  – but after 40 minutes, I realized that I didn’t care what happened to him or whether she would find out.

Notwithstanding all of the above, the clearly worst film that I saw in 2013 – and I’m talking epically, horrifically terrible – was Calvin Lee Reeder’s The Rambler. It’s a disjointed collection of shock pieces that turns from a tribute to David Lynch to an homage to Rob Zombie (if David Lynch and Rob Zombie were bad filmmakers).  In the low (I must say LOWEST) point, the Dermot Mulroney character dreams that he is strapped to a bed when a dummy dressed like an old hag plunges through the window above his head and vomits what looks like yellow paint on to his face and into his mouth. It is an extended vomit scene – 58 seconds (I timed it).

Finally, I re-watched the 1980 epic Heaven’s Gate, which had been the subject of much critical re-assessment this year – and it’s still epically bad.

Movies to See Right Now

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FRUITVALE STATION

This week’s MUST SEES are The Hunt – the best movie of 2013 so far – and the emotionally powerful Fruitvale Station.  The Hunt is likely out for only one more week.

Woody Allen’s very funny Blue Jasmine centers on an Oscar-worthy performance by Cate Blanchett.

I haven’t yet seen Amanda Seyfried and Peter Sarsgaard in the porn star biopic Lovelace.  You can read descriptions and view trailers of it and other upcoming films at Movies I’m Looking Forward To.

My other recommendations:

  • The rock documentary 20 Feet from Stardom, essential for music fans.
  • Another rock doc, A Band Called Death with the story of three African-American brothers in Detroit inventing punk rock before The Ramones and The Sex Pistols – and then dropping out of sight for decades.
  • the satisfying shocker The Conjuring.
  • The HBO documentary Casting By, which reveals an essential ingredient in filmmaking.
  • Another HBO documentary, The Cheshire Murders, which takes us beyond the familiar police procedural.

Also out right now:

This week, there’s no DVD/Stream of the Week – get out to see The Hunt and Fruitvale Station!

On August 11, Turner Classic Movies is featuring Henry Fonda movies, including his iconic performances in Mister Roberts and The Grapes of Wrath.  But I also like the oft overlooked comedy A Big Hand for a Little Lady, where Fonda plays a pioneer who has lost almost everything in a poker game and then becomes ill just when he is dealt a very promising hand; his wife (Joanne Woodward) must decide whether to hold ’em or fold ’em.

Movies to See Right Now

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THE HUNT

This week’s MUST SEES are The Hunt – the best movie of 2013 so far – and the emotionally powerful Fruitvale Station.  The Hunt is likely out for only one more week.

I haven’t yet see Woody Allen’s Blue Jasmine, which opens today with very positive buzz.  You can read descriptions and view trailers of it and other upcoming films at Movies I’m Looking Forward To.

My other recommendations:

Also out right now:

This week, there’s no DVD/Stream of the Week – get out to see The Hunt and Fruitvale Station!

On August 7, Turner Classic Movies is showing the under appreciated 1954 film noir Pushover, with Fred MacMurray as a rogue cop trying to steal a criminal’s girlfriend and loot – and then escape from his pals on the force.

Only God Forgives: laughably bad

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ONLY GOD FORGIVES

I can say only three good things about Only God Forgives. First, it’s not painfully bad, but laughably bad.  Second, the great Kristin Scott Thomas is on-screen for 10-15 minutes in an outlandishly campy role.  Third, this week presents the rare opportunity to see the best of cinema (The Hunt) and the worst (Only God Forgives) in a perverse double feature.

After combining on the thrilling Drive, director Nicholas Winding Refn and Ryan Gosling return with Only God Forgives,  a hyper-violent revenge tale.  I loved Drive, with Winding Refn’s vivid colors and taut pacing, its shocking violence and Gosling’s evocative performance. Only God Forgives reprises the garish palette, but fails on the other aspects.

Gosling’s character, a pro kick-boxer and the henpecked son of a female crime lord,  has little so personality that he could have played by Keanu Reeves.  The exploitative violence doesn’t have the shock value of Drive’s.   But, most unforgivably, the pacing drags.  Winding Refn tries to deliver gravity by inserting pregnant pauses between virtually each shot.  Typically, one character looks off camera, and there’s a pause and a dramatic musical chord; then another character looks back, with another pause and another chord. Look Pause Chord Look Pause Chord Look Pause Chord ad nauseam.

Kristin Scott Thomas plays Gosling’s evil mom and gets to utter this unforgettable line: “How many cocks can you entertain in that cute little cumdumster of yours?”.

Playing the cop villain, Thai actor Vithaya Pansringarm walks deliberately – very deliberately – around Bangkok and is very good at moving his eyes without moving his head.  Oddly, after mutilating yet another person with his hidden sword, he enthralls a roomful of uniformed cops by crooning a karaoke ballad.

Highly anticipated (because of Drive), Only God Forgives got trashed by critics at Cannes and been reviled upon its US release.  Only After Earth, The Lone Ranger and Pacific Rim may keep it out of the bottom spot as the year’s worst major release.

Movies to See Right Now

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THE HUNT

This week’s MUST SEE is The Hunt – the best movie of 2013 so far.

I haven’t yet see the critically acclaimed heart breaker Fruitvale Station, which also opens today.  You can read descriptions and view trailers of upcoming films at Movies I’m Looking Forward To.

My other recommendations:

Also out right now:

  • the gross-out comedy This is the End, which has its moments.
  • There’s cleverness in the psychological thriller Berberian Sound Studio, but just not enough thrills for a thriller.
  • Also out on VOD, Nancy, Please is a dark comedy about neurotic obsession among the over-educated. Not that funny.
  • Neither is the VOD comedy Bert and Arnie’s Guide to Friendship.
  • Do not see the wretched crime thriller Only God Forgives, which I’ll write about next week.

My most recent DVD/Stream of the Week picks are the unintentionally hilarious Troll 2 and the documentary about it, Best Worst Movie.  Troll 2 is available streaming on Amazon, iTunes and Vudu.  Best Worst Movie is available on DVD from Netflix and streaming on Amazon, iTunes and Vudu.  You can see some of the finer bits of Troll 2 by doing a YouTube search for “You can’t piss on hospitality” and “Troll 2 O my God”.

On August 1, Turner Classic Movies is showing In a Lonely Place, an under appreciated film noir.  Two of my favorite classic stars, Humphrey Bogart and Gloria Grahame, each deliver one of their signature performances.  Bogie plays a screenwriter with a drinking problem and a volatile temper – exactly the perpetrator profile for a local murder; good time girl Grahame wants to fall for him…and things will go better if he’s innocent.